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Unintentionally Hilarious Leftist Paranoia

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Saturday, September 07, 2002
Hootie Johnson is my new hero. As a result, I feel compelled to lend him a helping hand. I think I have an idea that can both silence his critics and perform the unqualified public service of annoying leftist twits from Berkley to Boston.

In case you've been in a cave in Tora Bora for the past few weeks, there's been a controversy surrounding the Masters golf tournament. A protypically tedious, meddling leftwing female-person named Martha Burk has undertaken a crusade to force Augusta National - the course where the Masters is played - to admit women. Martha leads something called the National Council of Women's Organizations (NCWO). I don't THINK there is any thruth to the rumor that the group was originally set to be named the National Council of Organizations of Women. Personally, though, I think they should have gone with that. But I digress. The point is that Martha and her little organization think Hootie and Augusta National should admit women to their club. And they're threatening to make a lot of trouble if they don't get their way.

When I first heard about this, I figured Hootie'd fold his cards quickly and quietly. Ours, after all, is the Age of Pusallinimity. Timid white guys in alleged positions of power recoil in trepidiation at even the most unfounded and specious allegations of "insensitivity" to sanctioned victim groups. (In case you were unaware, by the way, there is presently a power struggle among the putative victim-group sanctioning bodies that has left several groups claiming the Heavyweight Victimization Title. HBO has several docudramas in production, however, the cumulative impact of which are hoped to resolve this issue and unify the crown.)

Given my low expectations, then, it was with unbounded glee that I learned that the conversation between Hootie and the NCOW woman went roughly like this:

Burk: "Hootie, I think you should admit women to your club."
Hootie: "But its a MEN'S club."
Burk: "Yes, but it's about time that you admit women."
Hootie: "Go away, silly woman. And the next time you visit our club, please do not wear a flannel shirt"

Burk then tried agitating the Professional Golfers Association. The PGA answered by politely informing her that the Masters isn't a PGA event. She then threatened to boycott the Masters' sponsors: Coca-Cola, IBM, and Citicorp.

Hootie responded to that little bit of attempted bullying by launching a preemptive strike. He went to the three companies and told them "thanks, but we've decided to sponsor the whole thing ourselves." Thereby leaving the event completely funded by Augusta National with no sponsors for NCOW to browbeat.

Not being easily deterred - and having lots of free time - Ms. Burk is now threatening to harass the corporations for which individual members of Augusta are employed. She hopes to find out that some of these companies are paying their employees' membership dues, though I doubt they are. If this scandalous state of affairs should actually exist, though, she'll then presumably launch a Jesse-Jacksonesque shakedown of those firms. Burk doubtless hopes this will all culminate in the usual round of apologies and sensitivity training and, if she plays her cards right, a nice fat contribution to NCOW.

But I know how Hootie can head off NCOW before it ever gets out of the barn.

Sign up some women, real quick.

But not just ANY women. No, the first women to join Augusta National will be closely scrutinized. They will need to be women of unquestioned achievement and intellect. Women who have attained such status that they will actually be seen as elevating the caliber of Augusta National.

It would be uncomfortable for a single woman to be admitted. So it should be more than one. Enough to make, say, a foursome. And I have just the foursome to break this grass ceiling.

Sandra Day O'Connor, Phyllis Schlafley, Ann Coulter, and Katherine Harris.

Be careful what you ask for, Ms. Burk............


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